The Aristocats

“George could you step into my office for a moment please?”

“Sure boss, what’s up?”

 “It’s about this draft of yours. You know, your idea for the next animation film?”

“Yeah, you happy with it?”

“Well… I don’t know really. I suppose the biggest problem is that you’ve given me a copy of Lady and the Tramp…. Except every instance of the word dog has been scribbled out, and “cat” has been written above it?”

“……… yeah?”

“You’ve also scribbled out any instances of the word ‘woof’ and written ‘meow’ next to it….”

“……… yeah?”

“You’ve also scribbled out things like ‘runs to the door with excitement to see who’s there’ and replaced it with ‘sits there and looks at people with distain or whatever the hell it is cats do’…”

“……… What’s you point boss?”

“Don’t you think the audience might find that a bit… too similar?”

“But we’re Disney!”

“I know, but this isn’t like a ten-minute filler of baby animals frolicking or an older guy laying one on a sedated teenage princess, George. The audience WILL notice if we do the same script but with different animals. What’s the film going to be called?”

“Duchess and the Hobo.”

*long silence

“No that won’t do. Ok… I’m going to need to see some changes here George before I give this the green light, I’m afraid.”

“Hmmmm…. We could give Duchess some bastard children to start with, throw in a contemporary swing band full of racial stereotypes and then we can chuck in a random side story involving Geese?

*long silence

“… Perfect!”

I’m probably being slightly unfair here. Although both stories are essentially about a stray male animal making a posh female pet moist, 1969’s ‘The Aristocats’ isn’t just an all cat (and some duck) version of ‘Lady and the Tramp’. However by following in its footsteps to at least some degree may be beneficial, as after watching the first nineteen Disney Animation Studio’s films that are either on its old terrible app or its new not so terrible app (Disney Life and Disney+), ‘Lady and the Tramp’ is so far, the only film I really like. It’s not a complete shocker that I’m one for nineteen so far (there’s half a dozen others that I didn’t mind by the way, I haven’t by any means hated them all) because, as a reminder, I’m a Disney-cynic being given a crash-course on Disney by my Disney-loving wife. And now I’ve just watched ‘The Aristocats’ for the first time, I shall share my experience. As always, that means spoilers and bad language are inevitable…

We’re in France. There’s a posh lady, a butler called Edgar, a lawyer and plethora of cats. The cats (Duchess and her three kids) spend the days doing the usual cat things: eating, sleeping, being fussed by their posh lady owner, playing the piano and singing badly during vocal lessons… my god the sound is annoying. But this is Disney, and that’s what normal to Disney. Goddamn Disney… (speaking of which, I started a new ‘predictable things Disney does’ star rating for each film and throwing in an unnecessary song is the films first ⭐, and the kittens frolicking is the second ⭐. And we’re only ten minutes in…)

The reason there’s a lawyer present is that the posh lady is making her Will. She’s leaving everything to Edgar. Eventually. The cats get everything first. Now don’t get me wrong, Edgar is a dick as we shall discover. But if you dedicated your life to the servitude of someone which has made you the closest human companion that they have, and then discover that the fortune you were expecting will be delayed for a decade as it will sit in the bank account of some creatures that don’t have any interest or awareness of human wealth (and sing annoyingly to boot), then you may feel rather pissed off, yes? She could have given her wealth straight to him, and he can keep it on the condition that he feeds them daily and gives them a scratch behind the ear. Everyone’s happy. But he is understandably perturbed by this ridiculous turn of events.

That being said, his next move, which involves drugging the cats and driving them out to the middle of nowhere and ditching them does lower the sympathy for him somewhat…

At this point, we meet two very American sounding, old dogs. That are in France for some reason. Also, for ‘some reason’, they really want Edgars bike and sidecar. This nicely sets up them chasing the Butler (and with it, a third ⭐ on the ‘predictable things Disney does’ scale and we’re still only twenty minutes in). At some point the cats fall out of the sidecar into a ditch…

The cats wake up all bewildered. And lost. Fortunately, a streetwise tramp alley cat named Thomas O’Malley appears who can help… O’Malley is voiced by Baloo. Or rather the same actor that also voiced Baloo. I liked Baloo, and his voice very much in ‘The Jungle Book’, so I’m happy he’s returning here and this is a good voice for him to do as this is a very warm and comforting voice for a very likeable character. O’Malley then hits on Duchess. Here’s an interesting difference between humans and cats: when a tramp tries to get it on with your mother right in front of you, your initial reaction isn’t to say “awwww! How sweet!”. Cats on the other hand…

O’Malley summons a magic carpet to get them to Paris quicker. Which actually involves scaring the crap out of a van driver so he stops, and then they can hop aboard. When the driver is frightened, did anyone else here him yell “FUCK!!!”?

 

On repeated listen I’ve been disappointed to learn he shouts “SACRÉ BLEU!”.

 

Back at the cats’ future mansion, rich-posh-lady is very worried about why her cats have suddenly disappeared. Edgar has realised that he’s left his hat at the scene of where he’s abandoned the cats and knows he has to retrieve it to cover his back (and head). You know when you commit a crime and you foolishly talk about it in front of a horse and mouse? No? And Why? Because you’re not in a Disney film. And hopefully not a criminal. A loud mouthed one at that. Edgar is guilty of this most basic of mistakes and will no doubt pay for this later. Disney’s relentless humanisation of animals does sometimes have benefits.

Meanwhile, the cats have been discovered in the van and leg it. In a display of abysmal parenting worthy of Mowgli’s Mother, Duchess and O’Malley take the kittens on railway track high above a raging river. Slow clap. Unsurprisingly, after a train rushes through, one of the cats ends up in the river. If you’ve ever seen a cat in the bath, you can imagine how well a river goes down…. Fortunately, O’Malley saves her. What a good dude.

The writing team, sensing that all their viewers at this point are probably practically screaming at the screen “THIS FILM NEEDS MORE GEESE IN BONNETS!”, succumb to the will of the people and introduce two geese in bonnets. The Geese are named Abigail and Amelia who are on holiday from England and are completely fucking pointless to the plot. Anyway, the unnecessary geese decide to accompany the cats to Paris. Once they reach Paris, they meet Abigail and Amelia’s drunken Uncle Waldo. I realize at this point that I should have included alcohol and nicotine abuse in my ‘predictable Disney’ star rating system, as it happens with alarming frequency for a family film series, but I figure this trend will quickly die out as we move in the 21^st Century. The two geese go off with their drunken uncle, and the random and pointless side-characters have disappeared from the plot as quickly as they had appeared.

Speaking of random and unnecessary side-characters, the two old American dogs have Edgars hat. He eventually retrieves it after many shenanigans, but I really struggled to keep my attention during this segment.

What did keep my attention was the alley cat swing band. O’Malley takes Duchess and the kittens to meet his friends, who are said band. I’ve mentioned previously that I’m not a fan of swing music, but this is really good. The “Everybody Wants To Be A Cat” song has been stuck in my head constantly since its first introduction. Each of the cats are different nationalities, and with this being Disney (or old Disney at least), they racially stereotype each of them within an inch of their lives (so here’s the 4^th ⭐). Duchess then starts singing. She starts by singing the line, “If you want to turn me on…” I know they say female cats have high sex drives but that’s really not messing around…

Later, Duchess and O’Malley chat on the roof while the kids spy. Duchess tells O’Malley that although she likes him, she’s loyal to her owner (who happens to be leaving her fortune to her) so they can’t be together. The kids are really disappointed, which is understandable as they want her to settle down with this nice dude and put her whoring days behind her. They probably realized by the first line in her song that she was still “open for business…”

After O’Malley drops Duchess and kittens’ home, Edgar quickly hides them and prepares to box them up and post them off to Timbuktu. Roquefort the mouse alerts O’Malley to what’s happening, and with the assistance of the mouse and horse (who prove themselves to be far more useful to the plot than the geese) he manages to box up Edgar and have him sent off to Timbuktu instead. Having this as a “comeuppance” for a villain is a mixed bag. If you think about it, this could result in a number of different outcomes for the butler.

• If the box is well soundproofed and airtight, Edgar suffocates. As he planned to inflict that fate upon the cats, he deserves it.
• If the box is well soundproofed but he can breathe, he may well end up in Timbuktu. Trying to get back from early 20^th Century Mali without money may be near impossible. So, a good outcome there.
• Alternatively, if the box is well soundproofed but not airtight, he may well die of dehydration as a trip to Mali in the early 20^th century wouldn’t be a quick one. Again, that serves him right.
• If the box isn’t well soundproofed, someone will probably hear his banging and protestations long before he reaches Timbuktu. In this case, Edgar can probably make it back to Paris, where he will murder the cats in cold blood.

O’Malley is adopted by rich old lady and written into the will and Edgar is written out of it, which makes me think that he did indeed suffocate, die of thirst or wind up stuck in the Southern Sahara. Which is good. Rich lady sets up a charity that provides shelter for racially stereotypical stray cats and they all live happily ever after. Unless a sunstroke afflicted Edgar reappears in a murderous rage at some stage of course…

To summarise, I didn’t mind this film, actually in places I rather enjoyed it. It was a tad predictable, hence a 4 ⭐ predictability rating, and was rather similar in places to ‘Lady and the Tramp’, but as I mentioned before, at least it was similar to a film that I actually liked. I found the earlier stages of the film tiresome at times, but once the geese buggered off and they reached Paris, I found the film came into its own, and was thoroughly enjoyable. If someone was to show a Disney film to a cynical friend or partner, there are worse films to put on than this one. Based on my history with Disney, that’s akin to high praise…

7/10

Disney Predictability star-rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Ben🙄

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Whilst watching the film with Ben, I didn’t think that he was enjoying it. So, I’m quite pleased to read that it entertained him more than I thought, which is good because (and here it comes…) “It’s one of my favourites”. I feel like I should make that my catchphrase. My daughter also sites this as one of her favourites (after Mulan, that is).

Our next film is Robin Hood, which I’m predicting a positive response from Ben on. Also, one of my favourites (seriously, though, I will recommend that one to Disney-cynics always).

Hope those of you reading this during the Covid-19 lockdown are doing well. Hope those of you that are reading this post-Covid are also doing well. Robin Hood review is due to be up next Monday, so make sure to ‘Follow’ either by email or on Twitter and/or Instagram (both @disneygftm)

Aristocats score (‘cause I almost forgot) 8.5/10

Kerry 😁

Sleeping Beauty

Ben got a bit miffed by something a week and a half ago which surprised me. We were setting up our Disney+ profiles and he was genuinely annoyed because he couldn’t make his avatar Tramp, from Lady and the Tramp. Yes, that’s right. We are (*counts through list*) fourteen films in (fifteen if you include the film review you’re about to read) and Ben now has a favourite Disney character. That is how much he enjoyed Lady and the Tramp! A result and much sooner than I expected (I mean, I was expecting his favourite character to be Maui in Moana, so that gives you an idea of the timescale… I’m lying, I expected it to be Robin Hood, but it’s still earlier than I expected).

Let’s see if he finds another one in Sleeping Beauty… maybe.

The original story of Sleeping Beauty is thought to date back as early as the 14^th Century, but the more well-known version was adapted and published by Charles Perrault and then re-adapted by the Brothers Grimm (because, I mean, which one’s didn’t they re-adapt). The tale is of a beautiful princess, who is cursed by an evil fairy to die when she pricks her finger on a spinning wheel spindle, but instead of sleep, a good fairy alters the curse so that the princess will only fall asleep, rather than die and that true-love’s kiss will awaken her.

Do I think Ben will like this one? Tough call. He liked Cinderella and didn’t hate Snow White, so don’t think he’ll hate this one. However, I think it will be his least liked of the three ‘Princess’ films he’s seen so far. We’ll just have to see, won’t we.

As for me, I have fond memories of this film and always enjoy watching it. I think Aurora is sweet and Prince Philip has the most character of the princes that we have met so far (and an actual name, unlike the previous two). My favourite characters are the three good fairies and love the dress/cake scene. Definitely worth a watch.

6.5/10

Kerry 😁

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“Right team, we’re going to do an adaptation of Sleeping Beauty for our next film”

“Hmmm… It’s quite similar to Snow White isn’t it?”

“Rubbish! How?!”

“Well… Jailbait Princess that likes to natter with wildlife, crazy bitch wants her dead but ends up condemning her to eternal sleep, adult Prince that likes to appear from the bushes and sing at the girls manages to break the spell by making out with her whilst she’s zonked out”

“Ok I see your point, so any ideas how to make this film different then?”

“How about we take away the entertaining Dwarves and make sure the Princess has next to no dialogue or personality?”

And so in 1959, we get the barely legal and largely mute Aurora to round off the decade for Disney Animation Studio films. My god the fifties went quicker than the decade that preceded it (although I expect a lot of people who lived through both decades felt the same way to be honest). At one point it felt like 1940’s Walt Disney was a never-ending trawl through propaganda and a few forgotten films that could be a hard watch even for someone who doesn’t break out in a cold sweat every time the Disney logo appears. The fifties, however, have flown by in comparison. ‘Cinderella’ and ‘Alice in Wonderland’ where enjoyable enough, ‘Peter Pan’ showcased most of what makes Disney-fanatics fanatical but Disney-cynics cynical about their films, ‘Lady and the Tramp’ was the first true triumph in terms of changing the negative connotations I entered this project with, and now ‘Sleepy Beauty’ is already bringing the decade to a conclusion. But will the fifties have a happy ending?

Before the film starts, Kerry offers me a rare warning: For most of this love story, the heroine is literary just turning sixteen. So it’s a bit… you know… dodgy. However, the fact we’re going to be watching a story where the grooming of a minor is seemingly avoided by a mere fourteen hours or so, does at least have the silver lining of only containing one real song. That’s a pretty good silver lining. Some of the films have contained at least half a dozen too many. What she failed to mention is that this one song appears many, many times. She also failed to mention the song is ‘Once Upon a Dream’, which is famous enough that even I know it. And hate it.

As the narrator tells us about a King and Queen having a daughter called Aurora (which is a cracking name, always loved it), a random choir take it upon themselves to repeat everything that is said. I assume this won’t happen through the whole film as that might become annoying after a while. Saying that, it became annoying after the third time it happened. The King and Queen have arranged for Aurora to marry Prince Philip from a neighbouring kingdom when she grows up. Euuugh. I HATE the arranged marriage concept.

They throw a party to honour Aurora’s birth. Naturally, like at any good party, three fairies must give some presents. The first fairy, Flora, gives the gift of beauty, and waves her wand. She could have given the gift of intelligence, positivity or perhaps the ability to fly. But no, she just makes sure she’s good eye-candy. Flora also clearly doesn’t have faith in the King and Queens genetics to pass on some aesthetically pleasing features themselves. The second fairy, Fauna, gives the gift of song… The gift of song. Again, she could probably hold a tune anyway, and does this gift really have useful applications in the real world? She could have given the gift of intelligence, positivity or perhaps the ability to fly… The third fairy, Merryweather… Merryweather? Plants, Animals and Merryweathers…. Right then. The only ‘Merryweather’ I’ve heard of is a security company in ‘Grand Theft Auto 5’ but I doubt she was named after that… Anyway, she’s about to give her a no-doubt equally useful ability, probably being able to wiggle her ears or something, when a goth walks in.

This “evil fairy”, named Maleficent, with loads of dark eye makeup, black clothes and a penchant for saying how evil she is, is really pissed off about not being invited to the party. So yeah, a goth then. Something needs to be addressed here. Most evil people don’t think they’re being evil. Hitler. Stalin. Kanye. None of them acted how they did, because they thought they were being dastardly. They all believed they were doing what they were doing, or saying what they were saying, for the greater good. Even Kanye. Their highly questionable goals were the cause of their nefarious actions. Of course this doesn’t excuse any of them in any way. But to celebrate being evil, as well as all the forces of evil, is just plain attention seeking in my opinion. Bit like a goth again.

Now because she didn’t get invited to the party, she casts a spell which states that Aurora will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel, before sunset on her sixteenth birthday, and die. That is a really specific sequence of events. She could have just killed Aurora there and then. But instead she decides to go with the “James Bond villain” approach of an unnecessarily drawn out and complex death containing multiple potential pitfalls. Why?! Again, Maleficent is coming across as an attention-seeking-psycho-….goth.

So, conveniently, there are loopholes that can create much hope, drama and potentially save the day. Merryweather says “hold my beer” (if your siblings were called Flora and Fauna and you were the runt who was left with the name ‘Merryweather’ you would probably drink profusely too) and decides to use her spell to act as a counter to Maleficent’s.  Quite a convenient plot-device, however, is that Merryweather’s spell can’t just stop Maleficent’s, it can only offer a ray of hope at the end of it. They’re really setting up the potential for drama and excitement, aren’t they? This counter-spell will stop Aurora dying, but she will be unconscious and can be revived by love’s kiss. So, simply put. Merryweather’s IDEAL solution to wake Aurora here, is to most likely find a random dude that is willing to make out with  an unaware, unconscious sixteen-year-old girl. In fairness, the odds of that happening are disconcertingly high, but surely, she should be taking into consideration the nature of the suitors this is likely to attract.

After the spell is cast, the fairies also agree to hide Aurora for sixteen years to keep her safe. All the spinning wheels are to be destroyed too. All in all, a pretty crappy day for the King and Queen. They probably wish they just sent out one extra party invitation now. Although I can understand why they didn’t invite Maleficent to their party due to her love of being evil and the fact she’d probably keep flooding the stereo with Cradle of Filth or My Chemical Romance.

Sixteen years later and Maleficent still has no idea where Aurora is. She is still obsessed with finding her. All because she didn’t get a baby shower invite. SIXTEEN YEARS AGO! ABSOLUTE PSYCHO! How two dimensional can any character be?!!! This is just beyond stupid. She has a load of weird, shadow like demon animals that she bosses around as well. They haven’t found her because they were still looking for a baby. Dipshits. Off they go to look again.

Now. Disney being stupid alert. The plan is to return Aurora, or as she’s been renamed whilst in hiding, Briar Rose, to the castle on her birthday. Before sunset. Before when the spell is supposed to come to pass. You hid her for sixteen years and apparently the day when the shit is supposed to go down, you return her back to the castle. Why?! Wait ONE MORE DAY!

Either way, Briar Rose has spent the last sixteen years living happily in the woods, and probably getting into all sorts of hijinks with her three temporary mums (or if you’re North American, Moms). It sounds like the premise for an 80’s American sitcom. And she has no idea who she really is. The three temporary fairy-mums are trying to make a cake and dress for their temporary daughters’ birthday. Obviously, even more hijinks occur.  Just like a sitcom. I have a theme tune forming in my head.

Now we meet Briar Rose who is doing what all princesses do in their spare time, it seems. Talking at wildlife. Now how do I put this. She looks… sort of… well put it this way, as she’s awake right now, the film’s title is currently deceptive on two counts. I just don’t find her attractive. Is this a common thought or am I alone thinking this? And don’t forget, she was given the gift of beauty. You would think that spell would absolutely make her a ten. But in my view Cinderella was hotter. As well as many of the princesses I’ve seen since. I wonder if the gift of song spell worked. I get my answer very soon afterwards when she starts to warble at the wildlife. As I suspected. Many dodgy spells were cast. Better voice than Snow White though.

As she sings and plays with the animals a dude overhears her and cops a perv from the bushes with his horse. He then does what all dudes in Disney-Princess-Land do when they meet an attractive piece of jailbait: Appears from nowhere and starts singing and dancing with her. This has no doubt given a few generations of Disney-loving girls nothing but disappointment in their teens and early twenties when they discover the reality of this courting ritual is more commonly a wasted dickhead slurring how he wants to finger her while his even bigger dickhead mates watch on smirking. They sing that ‘Once Upon a Dream’ song from the film’s opening credits. Briar Rose immediately falls in love. Because of course. Fortunately, unbeknownst to them both, they are already arranged to be wed in the future, as this perv with a horse is in fact Prince Phillip. She suddenly realises she needs to get home, but she invites him over to hers later that day. Remember kids, on your first day of being legal, tell an older guy that’s been watching you from the bushes where you live. That’s smart thinking. All the time I’ve been watching this, it’s been hard to concentrate as I’ve been more focused on developing the theme song and intro credits to my “new” eighties’ sitcom ‘My Three Mums’.

My theme song has a few too many syllables in the last line. Otherwise I’m quite happy with it.

Meanwhile the fairies have made a shit cake. One thing leads to another and they have a wand war for some reason and cause magic sparks to erupt everywhere, in the process giving their location away. I’m not really paying attention as I’m humming the theme tune to ‘My Three Mums’. Briar Rose comes home singing ‘Once Upon a Dream’ and declare that she’s in love with a random dude she’s just met. She’s informed that she is in fact a princess that already has a marriage arranged for her to a dude called Phillip. Bombshell. The news is taken as you would expect by a hormonal teenager. She runs upstairs throwing a tantrum. Not shocked about the magnitude of the news. Not ecstatic that she is a princess that one day will become a queen. Not angry that she is trapped to a potentially enforced, loveless marriage. No, she’s just pissed that she therefore can’t marry the dude SHE’S JUST MET! Bloody teenagers. There’s no reasoning with them.

The two kings that have decided to force their children together in potentially unholy matrimony are hanging out and getting drunk. Some random dude with a guitar keeps stealing the wine and gets completely inebriated. Disney once again continuing their love of smoking and alcohol abuse in their early family films… Aurora / Briar Rose’s father is already thinking about grandkids. She’s sixteen for crying out loud. Later Phillip turns up to tell his father that he has fallen in love with a peasant girl. For some reason that doesn’t go down too well.

The three mums bring Briar Rose (or Aurora as I guess she’s now known again) back to the castle. She’s about to meet her parents for the first time and see the huge castle where she will start her life as a princess. But she’s still sulking that she can’t marry the dude that, I reiterate, SHE’S JUST MET!  Even for a teenage girl, this is getting a bit ridiculous. Her problems are about to get worse though thanks to that wand fight, moving her a day earlier than necessary and the bizarre decision upon reaching the castle to leave Aurora on her own for a bit. Seriously, the fairies have royally fucked this whole thing up, SIXTEEN YEARS work and concealment down the drain for nothing!!! Maleficent entrances Aurora and lures her to the very special spinning wheel she has prepared. Just rereading that previous sentence really drives home how absurd and tenuous this whole thing is. Aurora pricks her finger and falls asleep. Maleficent has a good old cackle.

Fortunately the fairies have a simple way to cover up their kerfuckery. They’ll just put everybody in the kingdom to sleep until this whole thing blows over. See, simple. Seriously, these fairies good or goth, are fucking up the kingdom for everyone. Flora then finds out from Phillip’s father that Phillip has fallen in love with a peasant girl and has been singing that ‘Once Upon a Dream’ song. And the penny drops that it’s Phillip that Aurora fell in love with. How very convenient. What’s less convenient is that Maleficent has captured him.

But remember. These fairies are experts in fucking up. Whilst taunting Phillip, Maleficent tells him who the girl he wants to bang is, what she has done to her and where she is. It’s really like Maleficent tries to make things as hard for herself as possible. She says it will be the first time in sixteen years she sleeps well. All this because she didn’t get a party invite. And all this because she cast a spell that took sixteen years to implement. She’s brought it all on herself!

The good fairies then turn up to rescue Phillip. They also arm him with a fuck-off-big sword. I should probably mention at this point that Maleficent has a black crow. I should have mentioned him before, but what with all the other nonsensical happenings I wanted to talk about, as well as writing the intro for ‘My Three Mums’, I forgot. Either way, the good fairies turn him to stone, much to Maleficent’s chagrin. Phillip, now back on his horse, fends off the creepy shadow animals and escapes. So now she’s more pissed off than ever. As Phillip runs towards the castle where Aurora is sleeping, Maleficent casts spells shooting bolts of lightning at the pathways that are holding him up. After that fails, she has no choice but to cast the most heinous and potent of spell of all to stop him: BIG THORNY BUSHES. TAKE THAT PHILLIP! But as he now has a fuck-off-big sword he just cuts through it and keeps going… So then she resorts to plan C, which is to turn into a giant fire-breathing dragon and fly in front of him, ready to attack. A questionable order for the spells in my opinion. So the hierarchy of attack for an evil fairy: disrupt your foe’s transport network, then whilst they’re reeling, finish them off with dense shrubbery. If they somehow survive, as a desperate last resort, become a giant dragon that can incinerate everything…

However, perhaps there was a good reason for her not to have too much faith in the giant dragon idea, as Phillip throws the sword at her and kills her… It’s great that we get a proper comeuppance for a villain for a change. There hasn’t been one since the very first film, Snow White. And my word it’s satisfying. Not as satisfying as in Snow White, but very pleasing none the less. Hang on, doesn’t Maleficent have a spin-off film later on? Maybe she doesn’t die? Kerry has informed me that it’s a prequal. Ooh, that could be interesting. I predict that it will be the story of a bullied teen who one day is introduced to a Marilyn Manson album. It could make sense of everything.

So Phillip makes out with Aurora, everyone wakes up, The Kings are delighted to find their kids are getting it on and they all live happily ever after. Except Maleficent, who’s dead.

This was an ok film. The worst of the three Princess films so far as there was quite a bit of rehashing, particularly from Snow White. But generally it’s a sub-genre of Disney I don’t mind too much. I think that might be less ‘praise for Princess films’ and more ‘criticism of their action films’, but it wasn’t a dreadful way to spend eighty minutes and to top it all off I’m going to change the world for the better, once I build a time-machine, travel back to 1985, and take my sitcom idea to some TV execs.

5/10

Ben 🙄