The misguided husband is currently taking a break from writing and after watching this film, it became apparent why.
I decided that now, whilst I am at home this much (Covid-19 lockdown, for those reading this in the future), I will watch through the Disney releases of 2020 and review them (which was something I was going to do with all new releases moving forward anyway, but Mulan has been delayed). It is very interesting seeing through the eyes of a non-nostalgic Disney viewer, as the style of film ‘Timmy Failure’ falls into the category of films that I don’t tend to watch (aimed at the age group below ‘teens’ and not animated). 
They just don’t appeal to me. So, I was interested to see what I thought of it and went in with an open mind, convinced that as it’s Disney, I will love it. So, I said to Ben, “I’m going upstairs to watch a new Disney film”, to which he responded (as he had briefly misheard me), “That sounds like my kind of ‘Isney’ film” (say my sentence out loud, if you missed what he might’ve heard). The fact that I’d said that I was going upstairs, in the middle of the day, to watch it, must’ve very much raised his eyebrows. Anyway, onto the review!
The story is based around a boy called Timmy Failure (shock), that looks like he is about 7, but apparently is 11 (thanks IMBD). As surnames tend to start as one word and evolve into another over time, I’d love to know at which point his evolved to ‘Failure’, because I think I would’ve changed it much further back in the ancestral chain, if that had been my family name. 
Timmy is an only-child that lives with his single mum (you see his Dad walk out on them at the beginning of the film) and believes that he runs his own detective agency with his partner, Total, a full-sized polar bear. Now, initially, I was wondering how he managed to own a polar bear but, alas, Total is essentially his imaginary friend. I should add here that the polar bear is seriously cute, for a 1200-pound carnivore. The film follows Timmy’s life as he tries to run his detective agency and deal with school, whilst trying to prove that all the crime in the area is being perpetrated by the Russians that live in his city (Portland, Oregon).
That’s it. That’s the whole story. Haven’t even given away spoilers because nothing unexpected happens. I’m now going to cover all the parts of the story that I liked before I start my rant about cover all the parts that I didn’t like.
I liked the polar bear, probably because it appeared to be a real bear. I’m assuming that this was done using CGI or something, as I don’t think it would be possible to tame a polar bear to that degree. I could watch animals all day, so I should probably check out some of the nature documentaries on Disney+. Hmm, what else did I like? I like Molly Moskins’s hair… and her cat. I liked the effort that Timmy’s mum’s new boyfriend was making such a genuine effort to bond with Timmy and that they do get closer throughout the film.
Sorry, that’s all I could give you. Four things (and two of them were purely the existence of certain animals). Onto the things I didn’t like.
Timmy just wasn’t the sort of character that I felt I could get behind. He seemed too… broken. I know that sounds awful and I genuinely don’t mean it the way it reads, so let me try and explain. I have two children. A 15-year-old daughter and a 6-year-old son. I was a single mother to until my daughter was around the age of 3 and one of my biggest fears was that I would let her down as a parent and wouldn’t be able to raise her to be a strong person that can cope with the world. 
I felt that Timmy wasn’t coping with the world at all and his mum’s frustration was all too close to home, for me. I do have a habit (as does Ben) of getting too emotionally invested in fictional characters (see Ben’s Bambi review if you want to see how much). It was quite clear that he had created this world of ‘being a detective’, as I way of attempting to gain some control of his life. We see that ‘Total’ comes into his life shortly after his dad leaves. The child has developed an ability to block all his emotions. He says, “Affirmative” instead of “Yes”, “Negative” instead of “No” and, more concernedly, he can not bring himself to say the word, “Sorry”, when he has done something wrong (even to his mum) and instead says, “Mistakes were made” (hence the tagline to the film). Timmy clearly has compassion, and we see this a few times throughout the film, but at times my heart breaks for his mum. Funnily enough, I don’t want to watch a Disney film and feel like I’m psychoanalyzing the characters. I appreciate the most people just watch films and switch off from seeing the characters as humans, but I really struggle. My issue. Shall we psychoanalyze me? Let’s not, eh. By the end of the film, he has developed in his character a bit, but not enough to make it worthwhile. 
Then the film just ends. It doesn’t seem to have the usual beginning, middle and end. It just… is. There is no real sense of starting at an equilibrium, getting into a disequilibrium and the ending at equilibrium again. I found that at 25 minutes in, it was really struggling to hold my attention.
On the upside, this film has given me a new level of appreciation for how Ben feels when he watches Disney films without the nostalgia that I have of my childhood-self watching them. It is difficult to write a review when you didn’t find the film interesting and I can see why he is currently needing a bit of a break. He’ll be back very soon though.
In conclusion, I found that nothing really happens in this film and that I really didn’t enjoy it. Would I watch it again? Think I’ve just answered that. Mistakes were made.
2/10
Kerry 😁
We have Arthur, or as he’s more commonly known, Wart, who lives in a castle with his mean Foster-Father, Ector and his brutish son Kay (Ector’s son is Kay, not Arthurs, I know they sometimes mated young in the extremely-olden days but let’s not go there). He is downtrodden and expected to all the chores, while Kay receives preferential treatment. If at this point, you’ve thought of a fifth century Harry Potter and a Vernon and Dudley Dursley, then you and I are of accord. To be honest, once we are introduced to the ‘Dumbledore-without-enigmatic-lovability-and-rational-thought’ that is Merlin, I realise that subconsciously JK Rowling clearly had a desire to create a story that took the basis of SITS and add heaps of character depth and logical motives (and Quidditch).
“So, tell me George, what have you and the writing-team come up with so far? I can’t wait to hear the new and original ways that Merlin will teach Arthur new skills!”
So, there’s a wolf that is constantly trying to eat Wart and failing. Merlin has an owl called Archimedes. This owl is highly learned but is mostly just a negative, cantankerous dick. He is a highly annoying example of a fictional owl. And as the snippet from the completely real and not at all fabricated writers meeting above shows, after moving in with Wart (they had permission to do this after scaring the crap out of Ector with magic), Merlin decides to teach Wart a lesson in physics. It’s also a way of showing how becoming something with real life and death problems forces the need to use one’s brain more.
“And how does this get resolved? Does this teach a valuable lesson?!”
“So, Archimedes is taking over tutoring Wart and…”
The witch Madam Mim, and Merlin have a battle that lasts a long time and is remarkably unimportant in terms to the direction of the film. I’m pretty sure the need for more action was the driving force of this being included. After Merlin’s victory, Wart finds out that he is to be Kay’s squire again. Wart is happy but this causes Merlin to lose his absolute shit. Merlin feels that because Wart has been turned into multiple different forms of wildlife and has now almost been Killed, eaten and/or molested, he should now aspire to having bigger goals in life for some reason. You would think as Merlin can travel into the future and seems to know everything, that he would know that Wart HAS to go to London as he will pull the sword out?! But Merlin clearly hasn’t done his homework properly and buggers of to 20th century Bermuda in a sulk.
Based on everything I’ve written, it could be easily misconstrued that I really didn’t like this film, which actually isn’t really the case. The fact is that we’re in the middle of a pandemic lockdown (holy shit that feels weird to write), and Disney has an uncanny knack of making me feel like the walls are closing in on me even when I have the freedom of the whole wider world at my disposable, especially when someone sings. Speaking of Covid-19, considering his time-travelling abilities, I’m surprised Merlin didn’t mention the virus to Wart at any point. Probably because it would result in a lesson about properly washing your hands, and that’s fucking difficult to turn into another animal frolic.
But of course the synopsis on IMDB and every other movie website doesn’t say this, because then who the hell would watch it? Of course even without a synopsis like that, I didn’t want to watch the film, because I’m a Disney-cynic who is watching through every Disney film to find out exactly which of their films an average adult dude would find enjoyable without the bias of any childhood nostalgia. Oh, and because my wife has made me… For the record, we’re on film sixteen now. I’ve liked one film and tolerated around three more (considering we’ve had plenty of relatively unknown oddities, propaganda travel films and deer-snuff, this is actually quite a success). So the odds of me enjoying this motion picture are fairly slim even before we delve into a healthy slice of attempted puppy skinning.
The big problem with this film is just how much of its eighty minutes, is spent building up drama about something we KNOW will not happen. I mean, could you imagine if Cruella De Vil had succeeded in her plans? If she had, people would never even mention the mummy-murder from Bambi in tear-jerking Disney scenes. People would just say, “remember when that psycho woman drowned some of the cutest puppies ever animated and skinned them in front our childhood eyes? I don’t, but my therapist reckons it’s a key reason why I fear interpersonal contact and why I like to peel labels of bottles whilst crying.” Even Bambi would never go THAT far, so any rational adult is left with a sense of inevitability with how things will play out. That’s not to say a film with a largely inevitable plot cannot be good. It’s just that for me personally… this film… isn’t really.
The first is that the puppies, the adult dogs and the owners are happily reunited by the end, safe in the knowledge that the threat is now null and void. The second is that we see the perpetrators of grotesque villainy suffer a horrific fate, preferably with extreme pain and/or death, or even just honest to goodness imprisonment for our delectation. Now, the bad buys having a minor car crash and getting a bit of snow on them IS NOT A FUCKING COMEUPPANCE!!!!!!! Where’s the perverse joy in her suffering that we, the viewers, so desperately crave? And as a result, even though the puppies, dogs and owners are indeed reunited at the end, what’s to say that Cruella and the two bad dudes don’t just show up at the house after the films finished, and take the puppies at gunpoint?!
The second thing that really stood out to me in this film was the animation. It’s different to the Disney that I’ve been used to so far. I’m not an artist or a professional animator, so I can’t tell you the technical reasons or names for why or how it’s different, but if there were differences in prior films, they never really stood out. This time however, it’s a glaring step forward. Or more accurately, a giant saturated step back. The vibrancy of colours from previous films has gone and everything looks slightly grim. Combine this with the plot and everything felt cold. On top of that, everything looks so…. drawn. Everything looks like it has a pencil outline. I just don’t like it. This is very much just my personal opinion. It’s like the animators (who I’ve complained about a few times for their self-indulgent tendencies) wanted to really make sure you know that they were good with a pencil.
They throw a party to honour Aurora’s birth. Naturally, like at any good party, three fairies must give some presents. The first fairy, Flora, gives the gift of beauty, and waves her wand. She could have given the gift of intelligence, positivity or perhaps the ability to fly. But no, she just makes sure she’s good eye-candy. Flora also clearly doesn’t have faith in the King and Queens genetics to pass on some aesthetically pleasing features themselves. The second fairy, Fauna, gives the gift of song… The gift of song. Again, she could probably hold a tune anyway, and does this gift really have useful applications in the real world? She could have given the gift of intelligence, positivity or perhaps the ability to fly… The third fairy, Merryweather… Merryweather? Plants, Animals and Merryweathers…. Right then. The only ‘Merryweather’ I’ve heard of is a security company in ‘Grand Theft Auto 5’ but I doubt she was named after that… Anyway, she’s about to give her a no-doubt equally useful ability, probably being able to wiggle her ears or something, when a goth walks in.
Now because she didn’t get invited to the party, she casts a spell which states that Aurora will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel, before sunset on her sixteenth birthday, and die. That is a really specific sequence of events. She could have just killed Aurora there and then. But instead she decides to go with the “James Bond villain” approach of an unnecessarily drawn out and complex death containing multiple potential pitfalls. Why?! Again, Maleficent is coming across as an attention-seeking-psycho-….goth.
Now we meet Briar Rose who is doing what all princesses do in their spare time, it seems. Talking at wildlife. Now how do I put this. She looks… sort of… well put it this way, as she’s awake right now, the film’s title is currently deceptive on two counts. I just don’t find her attractive. Is this a common thought or am I alone thinking this? And don’t forget, she was given the gift of beauty. You would think that spell would absolutely make her a ten. But in my view Cinderella was hotter. As well as many of the princesses I’ve seen since. I wonder if the gift of song spell worked. I get my answer very soon afterwards when she starts to warble at the wildlife. As I suspected. Many dodgy spells were cast. Better voice than Snow White though.
The three mums bring Briar Rose (or Aurora as I guess she’s now known again) back to the castle. She’s about to meet her parents for the first time and see the huge castle where she will start her life as a princess. But she’s still sulking that she can’t marry the dude that, I reiterate, SHE’S JUST MET! Even for a teenage girl, this is getting a bit ridiculous. Her problems are about to get worse though thanks to that wand fight, moving her a day earlier than necessary and the bizarre decision upon reaching the castle to leave Aurora on her own for a bit. Seriously, the fairies have royally fucked this whole thing up, SIXTEEN YEARS work and concealment down the drain for nothing!!! Maleficent entrances Aurora and lures her to the very special spinning wheel she has prepared. Just rereading that previous sentence really drives home how absurd and tenuous this whole thing is. Aurora pricks her finger and falls asleep. Maleficent has a good old cackle.
The good fairies then turn up to rescue Phillip. They also arm him with a fuck-off-big sword. I should probably mention at this point that Maleficent has a black crow. I should have mentioned him before, but what with all the other nonsensical happenings I wanted to talk about, as well as writing the intro for ‘My Three Mums’, I forgot. Either way, the good fairies turn him to stone, much to Maleficent’s chagrin. Phillip, now back on his horse, fends off the creepy shadow animals and escapes. So now she’s more pissed off than ever. As Phillip runs towards the castle where Aurora is sleeping, Maleficent casts spells shooting bolts of lightning at the pathways that are holding him up. After that fails, she has no choice but to cast the most heinous and potent of spell of all to stop him: BIG THORNY BUSHES. TAKE THAT PHILLIP! But as he now has a fuck-off-big sword he just cuts through it and keeps going… So then she resorts to plan C, which is to turn into a giant fire-breathing dragon and fly in front of him, ready to attack. A questionable order for the spells in my opinion. So the hierarchy of attack for an evil fairy: disrupt your foe’s transport network, then whilst they’re reeling, finish them off with dense shrubbery. If they somehow survive, as a desperate last resort, become a giant dragon that can incinerate everything…
So Phillip makes out with Aurora, everyone wakes up, The Kings are delighted to find their kids are getting it on and they all live happily ever after. Except Maleficent, who’s dead.
Disney - Guide for the Misguided 