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Top 30 of the first 30 (according to Ben)

To celebrate watching 30 Disney films, I’m doing something a little different today! All good films need a catchy zingy catchphrase to accompany them (“Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water”, “In space no-one can hear you scream” etc…) and I felt most of the Disney ones could be improved and made a little more accurate. I will also rank the films from worst to best as I like to celebrate my geekery with as many lists as possible.

30. Bambi (1942)

“In a woodland where seemingly NOTHING ever happens, a cute fawn is callously orphaned.”

29. The Black Cauldron (1985)

“When a Divination-blessed Pig is kidnapped, a really shit film occurs.”

28. The Fox and the Hound (1981)

“Disney’s latest epic will transport you to a magical new world! Full of misery. And no magic.”

27. The Three Caballeros (1945)

“Learn what a Bahia-boner is and how to molest Latin teenagers from a flying carpet!”

26. The Adventures of Ichabod and Toad (1949)

“Not one but TWO classic tales to nap through!”

25. The Rescuers (1977)

“An epic adventure involving two mice you couldn’t give a crap about.”

24. The Rescuers Down Under (1990)

“Be nice about Disney or we’ll make a third one.”

23. Saludos Amigos (1943)

“All the crazy fun, frolics and hijinks of Latin-American wartime propaganda!”

22. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (1977)

“Addict bear? Check. Bastard Bunny? Check. Annoying tiger? Check. Submissive pig? Check. Suicidal donkey? Check. What the fuck else do you want?! Particularly fun for young children…”

21. 101 Dalmatians (1961)

“Prepare to visualise in your mind a scenario where a crazy lady rips the skin off of cute puppies. You’re welcome.”

20. Peter Pan (1953)

“Peter Pan may never grow up, but you’ll be amazed how much older you’ll feel after watching him for eighty sodding minutes.”

19. Pinocchio (1940)

“When an old man prays for a young boy, will a middle-aged fairy ignore the creepiness of the wish as well as more beneficial uses of her powers such as solving war, world hunger and inequality and deliver?”

18. Fun and Fancy Free (1947)

“Two more fun-filled Disney tales that are sure to delight children of all ages, assuming the creepy-ass ventriloquist dummies don’t haunt their dreams deep into adulthood…”

17. The Great Mouse Detective (1986)

“Do you love investigative mice? Because we love investigative mice, so here’s some investigative mice!”

16. Sword in the Stone (1963)

“Can a crazy old dude and his bastard owl help a boy become king by inexplicably making him fly, have him be chased as a fish and tormenting lovesick squirrels?”

15. Oliver and Company (1988)

“The story of Oliver Twist entwines with the modern trends of MC Hammer and Paula Abdul to form a classic that will never awkwardly age!”

14. Dumbo (1941)

“After being teased about his big ears by bellend children and elephant bitches, can Dumbo use his affliction to his advantage with the assistance of racially-stereotyped-crows and an alcohol induced trip-out?”

13. Fantasia (1940)

“As requested by young children the world over: eight pieces of classical music complete with symbolic and sometimes metaphoric animation, all presented by the wild and untameable Deems Taylor!”

12. The Reluctant Dragon (1941)

“Will an unsolicited and totally random tour of Walt Disney Studios and a blossoming romance with a sound effects lady cost Mr Benchley the opportunity of a lifetime?”

11. The Jungle Book (1967)

“When an abandoned child is raised by frolicking animals, a film that is extraordinarily Disney occurs.”

10. Alice In Wonderland (1951)

“Take a magical trip into a world where nothing makes sense, most of the characters are annoying, character development is non-existent and yet we promise this is still a hundred times more watchable and enjoyable than The Three Caballeros.”

9. Sleeping Beauty (1959)

“When Maleficent fails to receive a party invitation, suffice to say she does not take the news particularly well…”

8. The Aristocats (1970)

“Lady and the Tramp but with felines and Frenchman”

7. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

“Our first Animation Studios film, and remarkably not the only one to feature a grown man making out with an unconscious teenage girl…”

6. Cinderella (1950)

“Ugly = Bad”

5. Robin Hood (1973)

“In a world full of unpredictability and chaos, the only certainty is that the whistled theme tune will be in your head when you do the shopping, the household chores, have sex, everything you attempt to do for the rest of your existence until the day you keel over begging for escape…”

4. Beauty and the Beast (1991)

“Will Belle fall in love with the douchebag who imprisoned her just because her elderly father got lost and needed shelter from the cold?”

3. Lady and the Tramp (1955)

“When a spoilt dog is no longer the centre of her owners’ worlds, she finds a bit of rough to fool around with and then eats spaghetti.”

2. The Little Mermaid (1989)

“Just how far will young Ariel go to obtain a vagina?”

1. Aladdin (1992)

“Other films may win more awards but this is endorsed by Ben and his hard-to-please-academy so it must be doing something right.”

I’ve recently been looking at many different lists ranking the Disney films from worst to best, and it’s remarkable how different the lists are. One list has ‘Beauty and the Beast’ taking top spot while another has ‘Pinocchio’ narrowly beating ‘Sleeping Beauty for first. The films in the lower half can be all over the place, so ultimately it seems that the Disney series are some of the most subjective and debated films out there. Obviously, that’s why I needed to compile lists like this, so people know what the actual correct order is. I’m joking, I promise. I know there are a few films most people seem to rank higher than I do (Bambi and Pinocchio for example), not many people would have put Aladdin at number one out of these films and some films I seem to be in the minority of favouring so highly (Lady and the Tramp and Robin Hood), but I prefer to focus on the things that bring us all together. Namely, that The Black Cauldron is shit.

As always thank you to everyone who is reading these reviews and I shall continue plugging on, next stop ‘The Lion King’!

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